Five Facts from a Guy {about recognizing when you’ve found the right person} #9

Happy Five Facts Friday, friends!

This week, we're hearing from William, who just proposed to my cousin, Allie, last Friday :) I am so happy to call him her fiancé as I introduce him on my blog! He's sharing about how you know when you've found the one, which is especially timely in his life.

And, in case you've missed the other Five Facts from a Guy Friday posts, read them here.

{Allie & William live in Santa Monica, which is way, way too far away. But really fun to visit :)}

1. The truer you are to yourself, the closer you grow.  Everybody puts on a front in the early stages of dating and a relationship.  It’s only natural that you want to present the best version of yourself.  Over time you get more comfortable letting down your guard and showing your true colors.  With the right person, your weirdness and idiosyncrasies will bring you closer together.  Several previous posts have mentioned men want ladies to be true to themselves, to wear less makeup rather than more, to show us your weirdness.  In the right relationship, the more you let the other person in, the more intimacy you will build, and the more fun you will have together.

2. You need the same amount of each others' time, or at least understand your differences.  This one is huge.  A relationship that is unbalanced in terms of how much time each partner wants and needs to spend with the other will be immensely difficult.  A person’s need for their own time and space can vary dramatically, as can their need for time together with their significant other.  Needing your own time and space doesn’t mean you love the other person any less, but people sometimes need to be by themselves to collect their thoughts and recharge.  There is no worse feeling than thinking your partner doesn’t want to spend time with you, and that’s why this is such an important issue.  Understanding each other’s needs in these departments is crucial for a happy and fulfilling relationship where you can be comfortable in spending time together while also getting your important alone time to recharge.

3. You both work together for the relationship.  Let’s get super cliché here for a quick second.  Relationships are hard work, and it’s important that you are both working on the relationship together.  Some people have a tendency to get complacent in relationships.  I certainly have in the past.  But really, when a relationship is right, you both enjoy growing together, and that is not always a smooth process.  There will be bumps and challenges and obstacles along the way, and knowing that you have a teammate who will proactively work through these challenges with you makes these growing pains much more manageable and part of the adventure.  When you’ve found someone you work well with and you share the commitment to put in the work a relationship takes, you will find the things life throws at you that are pitfalls for other relationships become much smoother in yours.

4. Their people become your people and it’s awesome.  One of the most fun parts of a relationship is getting to know your partner through other people in their lives.  As a relationship progresses you meet the friends and the family and the high school friends and the extended family, and it’s a great way to discover all sorts of things you wouldn’t otherwise have known about that person.  When a relationship is right, this is a really fun process.  You feel your friend network double as you meet people for the first time who you’ve heard countless stories about and are fast friends.  You gain an extended family that cares for you and you think hopefully might not be as crazy as your own.  Who a person surrounds themselves with speaks volumes about that person, and being embraced by and embracing the people in your partner’s life is a wonderful feeling and a great sign you’ve found the right person.

5. The right person inspires you to be your best, for both of you.  Part of what makes relationships difficult is that we are constantly changing.  Interests and passions ebb and flow as do a person’s priorities.  This is a huge part of why relationships take work – to be sure they evolve with the changes to your personalities and lives together.  The right partner will challenge and inspire you to grow and excel outside of your comfort zone as your lives together grow.  You should return the favor by challenging and inspiring them, and also by striving to be your best so you can be the best possible partner.  At the end of the day, your relationship will be as strong as the two of you work to make it, and by challenging each other to be the best version of yourselves and committing to work towards this end, you will give your relationship the best chance to succeed.  If you’ve found a person who will share this commitment with you, never let them go!

five truths about friendship in your 20s

One of the trickier balances I've discovered in my 20s is

the female friendship

. You transition from besties-living-in-the-tiniest-spaces-doing-everything-together to, oftentimes, cross-country friends who are living different lives and struggling to find time for a quick phone call.

And, when you do have a super tight friendship with a single girl friend, when one of you gets a boyfriend, it can often feel like you go from being her stand-in significant other to a side piece.

Friendships in your 20s are tough. They change constantly and require a balance of grace and understanding as we navigate this decade.

{circa 1992 with my cousins, Becca & Allie}

Although I haven't figured it all out, here's what the last six years in my 20s have taught me about friendship after college.

1.

It's OK to be different from each other

. In college, my friends and I were all similar. We liked to spend our weekends the same way, had similar schedules and shared a lot of the same values. As we've gotten older, these things have changed - along with so many other aspects of our lives. Along the way I've learned that this is OK. In fact, it's wonderful. By having different thoughts and opinions, we provide one another different perspective and keep each other grounded. If we all believed and thought the same way, life would be super boring.

2.

Things are going to change.

And that is OK, too. I tend to crave physical change, but mourn emotional change. I want everybody to be as close as we can possibly be,

forever and ever

. But, in my 20s, I've learned that as life changes, our friendships sort of go through a sifter. And different aspects fall through. What you have left, though, is the stuff that really matters from each friendship.

3.

Make new friends, but keep the old

was the right approach after all

. That song you sung in Girl Scouts when you were little was right. As you make new friends, you allow yourself to grow and your life to change. That doesn't mean your old friends are less valuable, it just means your circle has grown.

4.

Not everybody will care about the same things

.

When I was in Africa

, we were preparing to leave for home and something

Bob Goff

told us was to be wise about what we shared with people. He said not everyone will connect with or care about your stories and, after experiencing something so sensitive and life changing, it's important to protect yourself from that. I've realized a lot of things in our 20s can be this way. Life can rock you and shake you and it's important to realize that some people might not understand why you make certain decisions. Share the most important details with your closest confidantes, who will be sensitive with your heart.

5.

Don't let go of the ones that matter

. My mom always tells me I'm lucky to have made once in a lifetime friendships more than once this lifetime. And she's right. When you find those people, cling tightly to them. You'll find that during some seasons, it will take more work to do this than others. But make the phone call, send the email and book the flight. Little efforts often make the biggest differences in our friendships.

Happy Wednesday, friends!

folly beach bach

Hello and happy Monday! I'm back from a quick trip to Folly Beach for Katie's bachelorette! I posted a few snaps below.

Sara and I planned the bachelorette party together as co-maids of honor. We had so much fun creating favors together and wanted to leave the weekend largely unplanned. We spent most of the time on the beach or by the pool, which was great for me - especially as I was still recovering from being sick.

{Flamingo floats to hold our tumblers up in the pool!}

{Bachelorette party survival kits for each girl. We stocked them with koozies, Pirate's Booty, La Croix, sunglasses, Burt's Bees chapstick, Emergen-C (lots of girls in a small space!), Aloe, Advil & a mini bottle}

We also attempted to remake this cute bridal party mugshot collage. Sans a professional photographer, ours didn't turn out quite the same. :) But, for your viewing pleasure,

I hope your weekend was wonderful!

Five Facts from a Guy {about girls} #8

Happy Five Facts Friday, my friends! I'm in Charleston for a bachelorette party for my friend, Katie. Giving us that endless male wisdom this week is Chris' (and now my!) friend, Walker.

He's just a little over two months into marriage and it's inspiring to read his advice and know that he's found these things in his wife, Jessica.

And, in case you've missed them, catch up on the previous Five Facts from a Guy posts.

{This May, Chris and I attended his wedding in Montgomery, where he married his college sweetheart. I got to know Walker well last year over Memorial Day, when he came to town to visit Chris. It was wonderful to see him so relaxed, certain and in love on his wedding day.}

1. And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.  The best relationships don’t demand perfection.  They encourage growth through understanding and patience and redemption. For me, this is Christianity in a single sentence (from Steinbeck’s East of Eden).  And while many embrace this sentiment on a spiritual level, it can be harder to apply to everyday relationships.  If you don’t expect us to be perfect, we will usually surprise you to the good.      

2. Date the person you want to be.  A modification of be yourself, perhaps the most ubiquitous pearl of wisdom.  Be yourself is obvious and powerful and, for most of us, unattainable.  Our self is always changing and is inevitably influenced by those around us.  So, by all means, befriend and date people who allow you to be yourself.  But also befriend and date people who help you change yourself for the better.

3. Familiarity breeds contentment, not contempt.  An immediate spark is great, but sustained relationships hit their stride in the middling and the mundane.  If you expect persistent highs, you’re likely to be disappointed when life’s other priorities start to encroach on your relationship.  That’s not to cater to complacency but to advocate for the little moments – the incremental happiness that comes from a shared smile, a knowing hug.  Because those moments are always accessible, so long as you have the right partner.

4. Don’t dismiss the things that bother you.  Especially if you’re dismissing them because that’s just how guys are.  At first, you may be right – we have plenty of deficiencies – but we also have the capacity to change, the capacity to explore emotional issues, and the capacity to care about you.  So communicate, and we just might surprise you (my wife is rolling her eyes).

5. Read Zach Lowe. Or don’t. But find something that he likes, and learn one fact about it (only if he reciprocates, of course). As Whitney’s brother pointed out, our interests don’t have to be your interests, but it doesn’t require a huge investment to show us you care.  It’s easy to read Zach Lowe’s free agency column and drop a LaMarcus Aldridge reference at dinner.  I’ll smile, and we’ll share a moment and then you can go back to ignoring basketball.