Your Life Doesn't Begin When You Get Married

I was 24 when I moved to Atlanta for the boy I was sure I'd marry and 24.5 when everything fell apart and I found out, with certainty, that I would not be marrying him. I was confused and terrified and heartbroken. I remember telling my mom: I just never expected to be starting over at 24! I never thought I'd be getting married after 25!

I've been wrong about a lot of things in my 20s but, that one is at the top of the list, which I can see clearly now from my 28-point-of-view. Somewhere along the line I was conditioned to believe that getting married means someone has chosen you - that you are worthy of being selected. Of a diamond ring. Of a white dress. Of getting a plus one for life. Somewhere I started to believe that getting married makes you more worthy because some other human has identified, investigated and confirmed your worth. And that you are, in fact, worthy of diamonds.

Somewhere along the line, it also seems I was conditioned to believe that my life would begin when I got married. 

I started to believe that life before marriage was a waiting game. Stick it out - wait for him to come along - it'll happen when you least expect it - he will find you. But life after marriage? Then you're really living. You're actually alive.

I was so wrong.

Not because life after marriage isn't beautiful and lively. I am sure it is! But because life before marriage counts too. It isn't the dark period, where they dim the lights before the real show starts. No, this is it - this is part of the show, too. You are significant and worthy and the life you're building in your 20s counts. Every minute of it. Whether you're married or single need not matter.

I wish I'd believed this sooner. I wish I hadn't spent my 25th year searching for my partner in crime and had, instead, just lived. 

This decade, I think, is actually shorter than the others. It happens in a blink. You go from being 24, feeling like you're poor and a disaster and why didn't anyone warn you about this phase of life! To the end of your 20s and suddenly things are falling into place a little more. Is life perfect? Of course not. But you don't want to cry all the time or feel like you're a constant mess. You figure out what you want to do with your career and make deep friendships that aren't based on alcohol. You learn to respect your body and treat it well. You find new hobbies, learn how to have adult conversations and actually get enough sleep. You grow into the adult you want to be and, before you know it, you kind of (sort of) are an adult. Even if you still don't feel like one. And you look back at 24 and smile. Because, golly, I sure thought 26 sounded so old. 

I wouldn't swap my days at 24 for 28, or vice versa. Each one counted, no matter my relationship status at the time. Each one was important and significant and got me to where I am today. 

So if you're 23, 26 or 29 and wondering what the heck is going on, embrace it. Believe in who you are and what you know, but don't be afraid to stretch yourself a little. Keep going; keep growing. You are worthy. And you are alive.

5 Steps to Making Your Dreams a Reality

A really wise friend once told me to be generous with what you know. She said to share easily and willingly when people seek advice and don't be afraid of giving it away for free.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I've had some major personal shifts in my life and have learned more in these few weeks than I ever expected. I've been trying to find a balance between wanting to store it all up like little nuts for when I am coaching, but also wanting to share generously here on my blog.

In the last few weeks, I decided to accept a new job, which will start next month, started working on a pretty huge side project that I've been sitting on since the fall and am interviewing for a grad program I applied to this winter. All of these things happened quickly, as if overnight, and, everyone close to me keeps telling me that it really does pour when it rains. It's a stark contrast to the few months prior, where I felt like I was living in a stuck season where I couldn't figure out how to make a change, when I knew I was desperately craving one.

Melissa asked me if I'd write a blog post about getting stuff done, which made me laugh because I've always been kind of a crazy taskmaster. But she told me she meant more along the lines of all of those changes - how do you move from a stuck career to one you're excited about? How do you make a hobby a job? Or a dream a reality? 

I don't proclaim to have the answers to these questions (at all!), but with all of these changes happening, I've learned a lot about how to get from A to B and from stuck to unstuck. I've never been much of a saleswoman, so I figured I'd might as well be generous with what I know and give it away for free. :)

Here's what I've learned: 

1. Make time to figure where you really want to go. Last fall, I was too busy to make any changes. I was going too hard in every area of life and I didn't have time to reflect on what I really wanted to be doing instead. On one particularly rough day, when I was absolutely run ragged, I met with my mentor at work. She said: In a few weeks, everything is going to slow down. When it happens, don't fill up that extra space. Use it to reflect and figure out what is next for you. And don't think about adding anything back in until you figure it out.

It was amazing advice and, once I finally did it, I realized I wanted to pursue coaching, make a change at work and begin this new side project. In November, I didn't know any of that.

2. Everything is awesome. But pick one thing. That sounds kind of bossy. But the point is, you can't get to where you want to go if you don't know where it is you want to go. Earlier this week, Melissa and I were talking about how weird it is in your 20s because sometimes, quitting your job and traveling the world sounds amazing. And other times, having an intense career does. And other times, getting married and having kids and settling down does. She told me, you don't have a lot of perspective or different experiences in your 20s, so everything looks good. 

She's right - all of those things look good to me. But, the truth is, you can't have them all at once. Over time? Maybe. But, you have to pick one or two things that you're trying to gun for and see where they take you. If you have no idea, consider meeting with a coach or counselor, or enlisting a few trustworthy friends to help you figure out what would be a good next step. Think about the things you value - from your morals to having work life balance and everything in between. Take time to meet with people who do what you're interested in doing. Research, reflect, connect and don't stop until you feel more sure of what you want the most.

3. Don't let fear be your compass. Fear is paralyzing. And terrifying. Don't let it make you stuck. Are you afraid of not having money? Or failing? Or hating it? Don't let those things stop you. The truth is, almost everything is fixable. For the most part, there is always an out. Maybe not an undo button, but a way out. And sometimes taking a step that feels like a mistake is really just an unexpected step toward something even greater.

4. Make room for what you want to happen.  I don't know what your dream is, but if you don't make enough room for it to start to come into your life, it won't. When we over-pack our schedules, neglect self care, ignore relationships or development opportunities - or all of the things that help us move forward, we get stuck. Make some white space.

5. Make a list of the first five steps. And then take one. And, remember, if all else fails organize your purse.

If you want to discuss this topic further in a one-on-one session, I'd love to chat with you! Email me directly about private coaching.

second helpings

On some of the best nights growing up, my mom would make "hors d'oeuvres dinner," which was an assembly of meats, cheeses, crackers and vegetables she'd put on our plates to let us make our own little combinations. I remember it mostly in the summer, when it was too hot for something warm. We'd sit on the ground on the back deck of our house, freshly bathed and giddy in the warm air as we made tiny little cracker sandwiches.

Those evenings always felt special and a little fancy; we were eating party food. Now, we laugh about it because those were generally the nights when my mom didn't have time to make a big dinner, after toting all five of us to multiple sports practices and events.

Even though there was always plenty of food for second helpings of even the best cheese on the plate, something I've noticed about kids from big families is that they always eat really quickly. It's likely a combination of worrying about the good stuff getting taken first, and also a collective team energy that happens when eating in a group of five kids. When you have four playmates ready to catch lightning bugs with you, you're going to plow through those little sandwiches as quickly as possible.

I've been thinking lately, that sometimes this mentality applies to life, too. 

We want to rush through the first helpings and get to the seconds, just to make sure there is enough for us:
She's having a baby already? I need to hurry up and get married so I can, too. 
They're buying a house? I need to stop renting and buy one, too.
She got a promotion? I need to get out of this job and on to the next one.

But this isn't an economy of scarcity. This life will not run out of babies and houses and promotions or anything else that is not easily quantifiable. Just because someone else beat you to it does not mean you've lost your chance. When the time is right, opportunity will find you.

When we rush the whole way, we miss the chance to taste the first course. There are enough helpings to go around for all of us.

So what does enjoying the first course look like today?

What do you need to stop rushing through? Are you waiting for someday and disregarding the now? Are you letting your desire to get to your future keep you from living in the moment?

Today, let's focus on enjoying the first course, even when we feel like we're ready for seconds. Let's focus on the tiny sandwiches and hors d'oeuvres dinner, and trust that we'll get to dessert when the time is right.

{capsule wardrobe}

Happy Monday! Spring happened around here this weekend - everything came into bloom and today we're supposed to hit almost 80 degrees. Needless to say, I'm smiling at my computer right now. I love spring so much!

Last week, I was talking to Robyn and she mentioned trying out a capsule wardrobe. I had heard about them before but had always wondered what the deal was. She introduced me to Un-fancy's version and before I knew it, I was set on trying to build one.

I mentioned a few weeks ago that my Lent challenge is to give something away every day. I thought I'd dedicate this past weekend to emptying out my closet to see how close I could get to a capsule wardrobe. I've been feeling very weighed down lately by how much stuff I have. I feel overwhelmed with options and also heavy - do I really need this much?

I'm a real purger in almost every facet of life, but when it comes to my clothes, I am a hoarder. I can rationalize anything.
What if I randomly want to wear this? 
What if I really need this for something specific even though I haven't worn it in years? 
It was so expensive and I've only worn it once.
It still has the tags on it! (the worst of my worsts)

I decided it was time to make a change. I don't want to be a slave to my possessions and I don't want to fill my house with more stuff simply because I have more room.

Like Un-fancy suggests, I emptied everything out and was overwhelmed by how much there was. Where was it all hiding!?

I put things back in one at a time, but only if I loved them. If I didn't love them, they went into a maybe pile or into a trash bag for Good Will.

Three hours later, I'd filled 10 trash bags of clothes to donate, gotten rid of one nightstand and had two trash bags full of hangers. I would venture to say 75 percent of my closet is gone. I deliberated on consigning, but decided against it.

I want to create a habit of giving generously without expecting things in return. It gave me a lot of anxiety to fill bags full of clothes and I found myself trying to calculate the monetary value as I loaded my car. But clothes sitting in my closet aren't bringing me financial gain. Consigning them might, but it didn't feel right in the moment. Why make money off of something I haven't worn in (some of them) years, when I can donate them to someone who really needs them?

I didn't quite get down to a capsule wardrobe, but I purged a whole lot and feel light on my feet today. Yesterday, when I picked out my outfits for the week, it was  liberating to have so many fewer options. I like everything in my closet now, so whatever I grab to wear works!

I'm also slightly obsessive so now I want to purge every closet in the house. Minimalism here I come :)

I hope you had a great weekend!