Let's Get Coffee

My friend, Megan, once told me that she'd heard the idea that men's brains are like waffles - compartmentalized, with syrup staying in one square at a time. Whereas women's brains are like spaghetti - everything is inner-connected and we're always processing multiple things at once. This leads to this, which leads to this...

Sometimes, I wonder (worry?) that my blog might be insight into just how spaghetti-ish my brain really is. One day we're talking about ugly jealousy and throwing pity parties. And the next? We're talking about natural deodorant. I'm fairly certain it's the exact opposite of what you're supposed to do on a blog (build a brand, become an expert on one topic). But, if you know me in real life you know this is how our conversation would be if we were to sit down for coffee right now. 

Which leads me to today's post: if we were to get coffee right now, here's what I'd love to talk to you about. I got this idea from an old series by Allie Lehman that I loved.

If we were to get coffee today, I'd tell you how grateful I am that Chris has a break in traveling. It's been hard being apart and I have a whole new appreciation for a cup of coffee together in the morning and falling asleep together at night. I want time to slow down before he begins again. 

I also have a whole new appreciation for Charlottesville now that Chris is back. It's so much fun exploring together. Simple acts of driving to the grocery without a map feel like an accomplishment. Moving has been hard at times, but it has also made me so grateful for little things, like having family nearby (OK that one isn't little - it's huge!) and feeling settled in your home. 

I'd also tell you that I feel just a little bit crazy with all of the pre-baby lists I'm making. We've got nine weeks to go and I'm on a mission to have every inch of our house in tip-top-shape. I'd also tell you that I'm starting to feel a little nervous for birth. I'm so excited, but as it approaches, it's feeling so big. My sister-in-law told me her midwife said this is normal when it comes to labor and delivery. She said you start to feel like whoah I got myself into this and there is only one way out! It's true. I'm thrilled, nervous, excited and want time to slow down and speed up all at once. 

I'd also tell you that The Letter Project has been going gangbusters lately. It's so fun to see it take off and I couldn't feel more grateful for all of the women who continue to pour into it. I really never stop being amazed at how generous and kind people are if you give them the right outlet. 

Finally, I'd tell you that I can't even WAIT until spring. Be still my heart, it is near! We're two weeks away and I'm already dreaming of warm evening walks, picnics, swimsuits, flowers...ah. Warm weather you are my spirit animal. That doesn't make sense. But it's the truth. 

Happy Monday! I wish we really could get coffee today. 

Natural Products I Love

It can feel impossible to avoid all of the chemicals floating around in our day-to-day lives. From the water bottles we use to the food we consume to our sheets and everything in between, you could make yourself crazy. And poor! I'm pretty sure there is an organic or natural version of almost every product under the sun nowadays. 

For years, I've tried to take on the mentality that I'm going to do my best with it, but not let myself be crazy. It's very similar to my attitude toward eating, exercise and, honestly, a lot of life. Do my best to reduce the chemicals we use. Don't beat myself up if I use a plastic tumbler from time to time. Also, sometimes you just need Clorox. (Looking at you, flu season when your husband is on an airplane every week!)

Sometimes you need a workout and a kale salad. Sometimes you need a soft robe and Cheetos, nahmean? Does "Baked" make them natural? :) 

One of the areas where I try to be most aware, though, is when it comes to what I'm putting directly on my body and face. I read once that whatever we put on our skin is eventually absorbed into our bloodstream. This fact has made me extra aware of the products I allow to soak in all day. Pregnancy has made me extra-aware, knowing the baby is probably getting a little bit of anything I'm putting into my body. 

I do a quick check of each product on the Environmental Working Group's Skin Deep site before purchasing to make sure it's in the green zone.

My go-to for moisturizers and face wash is Batty's Bath.

I've tried BeautyCounter moisturizers, but I don't think they compare to Batty's. I highly recommend taking her quick skin quiz before purchasing anything, but my favorite products are the Calendula & Cucumber cleanser and the Raw Radiance moisturizer. It saved me this winter! 

For an anti-aging line, I love everything I've tried by Goldfaden MD.

They sponsored an event for The Letter Project a few months ago and I was lucky enough to try a slew of products. Every single one is pregnancy and breastfeeding safe and I highly recommend them. I love the Doctor's Scrub and the Needle-Less lotion.

For body wash, I love Shore Soap.

Mermaid Kisses is my fav :) It smells wonderful! 

For dry shampoo, I love Qēt Botanicals. 

Their Lavender Dry Shampoo powder works really well. It's $20, but lasts forever! If you need extra, extra moisture for your skin, I also really like their balancing and cleansing face oils. 

I still haven't found a clean shampoo I love and am absolutely taking recommendations. I'm considering trying Hairprint's line, but they have no scent at all and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I love a good smell!

For deodorant, I love Arm & Hammer. 

I'm not exaggerating when I say I think I tried 15 deodorants before I found one without antiperspirant that worked for me. If you want to talk deodorants, email me. I'm not trying to brag, but I really consider myself somewhat of a professor of deo. :) 

Happy March! 

Going to Therapy Is Not Embarrassing

At 25, I sat on a therapist's couch for the first time in Atlanta. I felt a little anxious being there - I certainly hadn't told any of my friends what my "doctor's appointment" was for. I'd made the meeting private at work, double checking that no one with access to my calendar would be able to see where I was spending my lunch break. 

I sat down and told the therapist I had one goal: to forgive my ex-boyfriend, who'd broken my heart. I told her it had almost been a year since we'd broken up and I just couldn't seem to get rid of that horrible type of anger whenever I saw him - the kind that shoots down your spine and tightens in your chest. 

Years later, she told me I was the first patient she'd ever had who'd sat down with one goal in mind, asking each week for homework to accomplish it as quickly as possible. 

You see, I wasn't comfortable with therapy then. I thought it was embarrassing. A sign of weakness. And perhaps, a lack of stability. Forgiving him was just another item on my ongoing to do list, one that was taking a little too long to accomplish. I needed this thing taken care of ASAP. 

Six years later, we both cried when I told her I was moving to Virginia. How things can change!

What I learned during all those years on her couch is that therapy is very much not a sign of weakness. In fact, it's a sign of strength.

Therapy is a way to value yourself. It means you recognize the relationships you have are worth tending to, growing, nurturing and fighting for. It means you recognize the value of self-care and self-love. Therapy is brave. 

But you know what else it is? It's not a big deal. To me, it's like washing your hair for the first time in a week - cleansing, a fresh start. It's like cleaning out your vacuum or going through the car wash. It's a simple act of caring for something that is valuable. If your house is a little icky, you clean it, right? Well if your insides are feeling icky, too, don't you value them as much as your home? Clean them out! Begin again. And, furthermore, why let them begin to feel icky at all? Why not keep them clean in the first place? 

I can't tell you how many people have told me in hushed tones that they're starting to see a therapist - a confession wrapped in shame and hope all at once. Every time they do, I assure them it's not something that needs to be wrapped in shame - only hope.

There is nothing embarrassing about valuing yourself enough to care for your mind and soul.

There is no shame in admitting that you and your husband love each other so much that you both agree it's worth spending an hour talking about the hard parts of marriage. Because marriage is hard! Why let it be harder by pretending it's easy? 

There is nothing wrong with admitting you want to forgive, grow, remember, heal and have a fresh start. 

I saw my therapist from Atlanta in January. I'd been really struggling with something - it was starting to infiltrate my brain a little too much, giving me anxiety and impacting my sleep. In one hour with her, we talked through why it was bothering me and what hurt about it. You know what? I've barely thought about it since then. It's been over a month and this issue, which felt major last month, is a thing of the past. That's the power of speaking our truth, receiving validation and making a plan to move forward. And that's why I love therapy. 

Also because I totally forgave my ex within just a few months of meeting with her. And what could be better than forgiving someone who hurt you, releasing the bitterness in your heart and moving on with your life? Absolutely nothing. Besides maybe washing your hair. 

That Ugly Kind of Jealousy

Have you ever felt all out jealous of someone else? The kind of jealousy where you can't even handle hearing about how great things are going for them? The kind where their victories almost feel like your loss, even though you logically know it won't impact your outcome at all?

It's the kind of jealousy that makes you feel like an icky person. Compound it with the fact that this degree of jealousy is almost always reserved for our loved ones and it's basically like asking for an emotional meltdown. 

I've been there. I've felt jealousy that seeps into your bones. It makes you almost not even want to talk to that person because you can't fake it anymore. You just kind of want to cry out I want that for meeeee, tantruming like a kid on the playground. 

It's followed, of course, by guilt. Because it's not that you don't want it for the other person. You want good things for them! You love them! You just want it, too. 

It creates a whole web of tangly emotions and, if you're like me and have felt these icky feelings of jealousy before, I wanted to share a few things that have helped me cope with it along the way.

First: know, trust and believe that you are not a bad person. Everyone feels jealous sometimes. It's not bad, in and of itself, to feel this way. It's what you do with it that matters. 

So what do you do with it? 

1. Tell someone.

First of all, tell someone you love and trust, who won't judge you. Your sister, your mom, you best friend, your significant other. Tell them the truth: I feel like a bad person for saying this. But I feel so jealous of Sarah. And I feel so guilty! And I'm happy for her - I really am. But I just can't help wishing I could have that, too. 

I promise you, the minute you get it off your chest, you'll feel better. And there's a good chance your friend will totally understand. She might even be struggling with the same thing. 

2. Practice gratitude.

Second of all, count the fruit in your own life. I know! I know! It sounds Pollyanna. But it's going to make you feel better. Think through all of the things you have to be grateful for. Write them down, visualize them, let the goodness in your own life wash over you, sinking into your soul. 

3. Remember there is enough to go around.

Remember, this is not a world of scarcity. There is enough good to go around. Your friend got engaged to the man of her dreams and you're just wrecked with jealousy? Unless you literally wanted to marry him, too (which: be honest, you probably did not because he's her lobster, not yours), this does not impact your chance of marrying the man of your own dreams.

Things working out for someone else does not mean they won't work out for you, as well. Don't buy into the lie of scarcity. Your time is coming, friend. 

4. Remember: you love them. 

Remind yourself why you're happy for them. You love them and you want their dreams to come true, too. Take a minute to remember this little bit of truth. This is not to make you feel guilty for feeling jealous, but just to reset your brain a little bit, nudging it to remember oooh yes I do want them to have their dreams, too. 

5. Don't forget: you're not a bad person.

It's OK to want what someone else has. It's not OK to want to take it from them. You probably don't want to take it from them, you just want a piece of the pie for yourself. Stop beating yourself up, OK? Understand that it's normal to want what someone else has. Trust, in the deepest parts of your heart, that your time is coming and your life is unfolding as it should. Good things are headed your way, too.

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