failure is good for us, even when it hurts

A few years ago, I emailed an author I know to ask if he'd be willing to put me in touch with one of my favorite writers, with whom he was friends. I told him I was really inspired by her work and wanted to learn more about how she'd gotten started.

He wrote back instantly and politely said he wasn't the right guy for that and wouldn't be able to do so.

Immediately, I felt ashamed.

I berated myself for thinking we were better friends than we were - embarrassed for needing something from him. It felt vulnerable to ask for a favor and, to be told no so quickly, I felt exposed. I went over the email again and again, wondering if I had been unreasonable. Telling myself I was ridiculous for thinking I knew him better than I really did.

Deep down, I knew both my request and his response were reasonable. We were both playing with the cards in our hands - able to see our own sides but not what the other had. But, instead of believing those truths, I spiraled, panicked that I'd become persona non grata, unable to ever publish a book or pursue my dreams because of an email I'd sent on a whim.

Later that day, the website of the author with whom I'd wanted to speak crashed and I could no longer access it. My first thought was: oh my gosh, they cut me off. They won't even let me read her work anymore! 

At that point in my life, I took so few risks that I was rarely rejected. I played within all of my comfort zones - taking on projects at work I knew I could handle, asking very little of others, never getting told no or rejected. If you never ask for anything, you never get rejected. It was simple and safe.

But, it was also stale. It meant that when I did ask for something and was told no, I spiraled in shame. I wasn't resilient in the face of even the smallest rejection or failure.

Every night at dinner, Chris and I both say one high, one low, one surprise and one failure or risk from the day. Early in our relationship, we realized we both struggle with perfectionism as a way to avoid failure and rejection. So now, we force ourselves to take a risk each day. If we didn't take a risk or fail at anything, we ask ourselves why we played it so safe.

The other night I failed at Brussels sprouts. I completely burned them. :) #dailyfailure

When you're afraid of failing, you don't ever try anything. You map out every single step, permanently scared of taking one. You stand on the edge of the cliff, checking your parachute over and over, confirming that it will, in fact, open. But, you never give it the chance to do so. You never give yourself the chance to fly.

These days, rejection is easy to find. I'm submitting articles to be published, asking people to be on their podcasts and constantly in need of help. My fate is often in the hands of someone else's busy schedule, overflowing inbox and willing heart. 

I'm learning that the old adages aren't always true. Sometimes, you jump and the net doesn't appear. Sometimes fortune doesn't favor the bold. But, the beauty is in learning to stick the landing, even when things didn't go as planned. 

I'm learning to take no in stride and receive thanks but no thanks with grace. And I'm learning that when you do take a risk and it works out, it's a lot more exciting than sitting in your cube, playing it safe ever will be.

You Will Be OK Without Him

A few years ago, I was going through a heart-wrenching breakup while living at home in Indiana with my parents. Every day after work, my mom and I would go on a walk and, for the entire hour, I would cry and ask her: do you think he will come back?

Over and over. Every day. 

Her patient response each time was my lifeline. It gave me a sense of calm and helped me take deep breaths again. Sometimes she'd encourage me, sometimes she'd make safe predictions, but every time she'd end with:

I know you will be OK if he doesn't. 

Then I'd cry even more because I didn't believe her. I didn't believe I'd ever feel like myself again. I didn't think I'd ever laugh again and really mean it. Or be excited about a first date again. I didn't think anything could compare to what we'd had and my heart ached for what we once were.

A few months ago, I went on a walk with my dear friend Megan. She asked me if I ever still talked to that guy and I replied: No, I honestly don't even know where he lives. 

She stopped on the sidewalk and replied: Isn't it amazing how, a few years ago, you would have said, "I don't even know where he lives!" between tears, as if it were a near death sentence. But today, it's a casual reply.

I thought about it recently when a friend of mine went through a bad breakup. I know that, in the thick of heartache, the promise that you'll someday be OK can feel empty and uncertain.

But, as someone who has been there - who has felt the ache of the lonely nights, the solo weddings and the haunting memories. From someone who has tortured herself with the stark contrast between who-I-thought-we'd-be and who-we-really-became: you will be OK.

It gets better. It gets easier. It gets less lonely. And, someday, you will be more than OK. You will laugh and mean it. You won't dread slow dances and bouquet tosses at weddings. You will be joyful and sure of yourself again. I know it can feel lonely when you're in the depths of it, but, I promise you are not alone.

You are loved and you are worthy. 

10 Tips for Wedding Planning

Just like my post about registering, the internet is inundated with advice about wedding planning. Part of me wondered if I could add anything valuable to the conversation since so much has already been said. But! I thought about the amazing advice people gave us during planning and I wanted to share it with those of you who may be in the process, or who will someday plan a wedding. 

1. If it isn't fun, don't do it. 

The morning after we got engaged, I was talking to my mom and she said: If there is anything during this process that isn't fun, let's just not do it. 

This was, singlehandedly, the best attitude to take into our engagement. If assigning seats feels like a nightmare to you, don't do it. If you don't think cake tasting sounds fun, have a different dessert. It's your day and if something is super painful to plan, scrap it. There's no reason to torture yourself to please someone else or old traditions. 

Garter tosses always make me uncomfortable and, in the past when I was single, bouquet tossing induced a lot of shame for me. With that in mind, we skipped them both.

2. Consider what might overwhelm you the week of the wedding. 

For months, Chris and I were planning a surprise field day for our wedding party. We had plans for shirts, Sax Snacks and some serious games. One day, out of the blue, I was like WAIT. I am not going to want to do this the day before our wedding. It hit me that I was going to want to go for a run, drink coffee and spend time with my family. 

So, we canceled everything and I spent the day with my fam. We exercised, made breakfast and drank coffee. We sat outside chatting on the deck, exchanged gifts and watched the little ones play. That's it! And it was perfect. 

I've had friends who want all of their bridesmaids to sleepover after the rehearsal dinner. This is awesome and I've loved being a part of those weddings. Take on the attitude of: Good for her, not for me. Do what feels right - you know yourself best. 

3. The bride sets the tone for the day.

If you're relaxed and happy with your bridesmaids all day, they will pick up on this energy as you get ready together. After the ceremony, they will descend upon your reception being relaxed and happy. And, in turn, your guests will pick up on their vibe and assume the same attitude. 

4. Take a minute during the reception to watch people dancing.

Just step back, relax and be let it wash over you that every person present is there because of your love. Let it overwhelm you. 

5. Make eye contact during the vows.

My friend Jamie told us to do this right before we walked down the aisle. I am so, so grateful to have the memory of Chris' sweet face gazing at me as we took our vows. 

6. Have a no-wedding-talk date one week before the wedding. 

Go on a date, don't talk about anything related to the wedding. Catch up, reconnect, remember what you used to talk about before the wedding planning began :) 

7. Look at the reception before the party starts.

One of my friends grabbed me before the reception to make me look at the setup. Once everyone enters the room, it won't look the same. So sneak a peek if you can. 

8. Remember the little costs.

A friend of mine forgot to account for Charleston's high city sales tax, which was tacked on to her catering bill. She was so bummed. Remember to account for little last minute costs - dress alterations, tipping your vendors, welcome bags, thank you gifts, etc. 

9. Forget everything you've seen on Pinterest.

You are not putting on a show for your guests. You do not have to have a pin-worthy wedding. This is not an arms race for Instagram likes and Boomerangs and hashtags. 

You don't need to lose weight. You don't need to go into debt. 

Do what feels like you. Do what excites you. Don't let social media shame you into having a wedding that doesn't feel like you or believing that your love isn't, in and of itself, enough of a reason to get married. It's the thing that matters the most.

10. Be in awe of what you're about to do.

You're joining together for eternity. Let the magnitude of it overwhelm you in the best way. It is a big deal! It's easy to get caught up in the wedding, but, remember, you're really planning for a marriage. Let your engagement season be about preparing your heart for marriage just as much as it is about planning an event (if not more!). 

All photos by the amazing and beautiful Natalie Puls.