what i wish i'd said

A few weeks ago I was at dinner and as I was walking to the restroom, I noticed a very happy couple sitting nearby. They were laughing over their chips and queso - leaning in and looking into one another's twinkly love eyes. I smiled as I passed them, my heart warmed a bit.

But then, as I was washing my hands, I saw the girl come into the bathroom and, without hesitating at all, make herself throw up.  I stopped in my tracks - my heart suddenly hurting for her. I wanted to wait for her and tell her:

you don't have to do that to yourself.

But it felt invasive to wait outside her stall in a Mexican restaurant on a Friday night. Maybe it was the socially acceptable thing to do to let her be, but I haven't been able to shake her from my mind. And because I was too chicken to tell her then, what I've wanted to tell her ever since is:

You don't have to do that to yourself. You're not fat. You're perfect how you are and the way he is looking into your eyes is not because of the way you make yourself throw up after a meal, but because of what he sees deep inside you. I wish, so much, that you could see yourself the way he does.

And you know what else?

You don't have to go to the gym every day. You don't have to be a slave to the treadmill. You don't have to count your calories. Or cut carbs, either. You don't have to skip dinner on the nights you know you're going to be drinking alcohol. Or skip meals all week so you can eat more on the weekends. You don't have to take laxatives. Or do a cleanse. Or eat raw foods only or only juice.

You don't have to do any of that. Because you're so much more than a number on a scale. You're so, so much more than you give yourself credit for.

But I didn't say any of that and I pray, pray, pray someone else is saying it to her. I pray someone else is braver than me, as I walked slowly back to my table, shaken by her pain, looking at her boyfriend anxiously waiting her return.

Since I can't say it to her now, I hope if you need to hear it, you can believe it. Because I mean it.

//

Too good not to share:

An Open Apology to All of My Weight Loss Clients

When Your Mother Says She's Fat

Ugliest Girl on the Internet Gives Amazing, Godly Speech

on parents knowing everything & the plants 'round here

I've mentioned before that a very real fear of mine is: when I am a parent, will I know everything in the way my parents do? Will I know what my kids need? Will I know when to take them to the doctor and when to wait it out? Will I know there aren't monsters under the bed and the right advice to give?

I'm not sure, but I sure hope so.

A few weeks ago, when my mom helped my brothers move to Atlanta, she blew me away, as always, with her knowingness. For the most part, our house feels pretty complete to me. We still need some decorations in our living room and I need to finish my frame wall, but on the whole it doesn't feel too empty. My mom, however, saw it slightly differently. While she admitted we didn't need much, she knew we needed another pillow in our desk chair. She knew our porch needed bright cushions in the adirondacks. 

And she knew we needed flowers. 

Now, I've had a very real, very public struggle with horticulture. Most specifically at the Goodwynn.  But my mom assured me I could do this. I'm older now, you know?

And so, we planted. OK. She planted. I documented and listened to her instructions: hydrangeas need lots of water. The soil should always be moist. And if one dies, just cut it off and another one will grow back (who knew!?). And pour the water at the base of the plant slowly so it can drink it.

I told you she knew everything. 

It's been a few weeks and those babies are still alive. I know this is ridiculous, but I'm really proud. Watching them grow has been instantly gratifying. Like vacuuming or mowing the lawn. The fruit of my labor is right before my eyes! And even though there are still a whole lot of things I have to figure out, it feels great to take one more step toward my green thumb. At least in the hydrangea department. 

slow summer, happy summer

I'm a big believer in being intentional my with my time because, when it's all said and done, how we invest our time is how we invest our lives. But during the weekends this summer, I've made an effort to be less intent. Less intent on accomplishing this and that plan in one day. Less intent on checking everything off on Saturday. Less intent on traveling. Less intent on making plans and more intent on slowing down. 

Without sounding too dramatic, I'd like to say that the practice has been transformational. It has allowed me to create more breathing room. To create just enough space to make the busy week-night dance less crazy. To create - dare I say it? - a little boredom. 

And more importantly, it has helped me to be able to say yes more. Instead of having to decline last minute invites on the weekends because of a prior commitment - I can say yes, spur of the moment. And I love spur of the moment, flexible summer life. It is the way summer is meant to be lived, you know?

Thursday, Melissa, Liz and I made impromptu plans to go to Old Fashioneds and Otters at Zoo Atlanta, which is part of the summer series, Wild on the Rocks (and, on that note, I will see you at Winos and Rhinos for sure-os). 

The zoo has been on my Atlanta bucket list since even before my bucket list was alive. We meandered our way through the zoo with Bandit boxes and fell hard for the elephants.  It was the perfect slow, steamy summer night. 

Saturday, Katie was going to be in Atlanta and asked me to spend the day together. She admitted that she assumed I'd say no due to conflicts, since it was a last minute request. My heart was full when I was able to say yes. We went for a long walk, while simultaneously searching for an estate sale, went to the pool, shopped in the Highlands and had patio drinks at Noche with Melissa. 

Everything about it felt right. We meandered. We had no agenda. We laughed over ridiculous conversation, including: did the guy I met at the bar say he was in sales for Jesus or Cheez-its? Because it's a really big difference. And don't you think macaroons are the new cupcake? It was the kind of day that can only happen when everyone slows down - when no one is distracted, hurrying or watch-checking. 

I went to bed Sunday feeling extra grateful. For good friends, for more time, for sweet summer and for the feeling that even though life isn't always following the plan I intended, sometimes, you realize things are turning out even better than you could have planned. 

Happy Monday, friends. 

{three healthy habits}

I woke up on Monday acutely aware that there was exactly one month until my birthday. The day in and of itself almost felt important. One more month until I am 27. One month left of 26. 

In so many ways, the year has flown. I think back to my birthday last year and it feels like yesterday. But at the same time, so much has changed. It was a big year - and things like the rat house and my broken foot seem like ages ago. They seem like tiny dots in an otherwise lovely year - and yet I think of the time we were actually living with those rats, and it felt like each night lasted forever.

But isn't that so often how time goes? It has the ability to both fly by and stand still all at once.

Broken foot and stitches aside, it was a year of healthy habit making for me and as I strive to keep them up, I thought I'd share. Because if I'm going to chronicle my injuries, it only feels right to share the wins, too, right? 

1. Make self care a priority. I've chronicled the steps I've taken to unglorify busy and you've seen me fail a few times. But I've learned the value of rest - and it's something I will never forget. I will never again prioritize a 6 a.m. workout over sleep when I'm still awake at 1 a.m. I've learned to listen to my body (sometimes you've gotta cut that dairy or eat those eggs!). And I'm learning how to find rest in Christ even when life feels like it's swirling. And it feels good. Really good.

2. Quit the scale. Growing up, I never weighed myself. In fact, even throughout college I could never have told you how much I weighed. It just never crossed my mind to weigh myself. But when I joined my new gym in Atlanta, I had to pass the scale a every time I entered and exited. And what began as a once a week check in turned into a daily - or sometimes multiple times a day - habit. It gave me a very false sense of control, but could also make or break my day. How can a number - a 1-pound change - impact my entire day that much? 

The low point was this winter when I weighed myself on the scale and it was broken and said I was up 20-pounds from the day prior. Instead of believing everything my body told me (my clothes still fit, I didn't feel or look different), I believed the scale and couldn't shake the sadness I felt all afternoon. And then I decided I had to quit. I had never needed the scale to maintain my weight my entire life, so why did I think it helped me now? And golly, it feels so much better living without it. I couldn't even guess my weight today if I tried, but I know my clothes still fit. I'm not out of control without it. In fact, I'm more in control of my emotions and my diet, because they're no longer dictated by a number. 

3. Learn to say no, excuse optional. Saying no is hard. Really hard. And it's even harder to say it without apologizing or offering an excuse - especially to someone you care about. But sometimes you have to let your no be no, simply because whatever you're being asked to do doesn't fit with your life right now. Maybe you're overextended. Maybe you're trying to focus on something else. Or heck, maybe you just don't want to. But sometimes it's OK to simply say no.

And if it's appropriate, provide a reason. But unless you're truly sorry, don't apologize. Because after years of over apologizing, I began to realize that I was doing myself a disservice. I was taking on a burden I didn't need to feel and indicating to people that I owed them something I didn't really owe. Do I still say sorry when I mean it? YES! I am a huge believer in the s-word. But I don't say sorry when I haven't done something worth apologizing for anymore. And what I've found is that when I do say sorry now, it means a lot more, because I mean it very much.

So that's what 26 has taught me about healthy habit making. I can't wait to see what 27 has in store. But first, one more lovely month of good livin ahead!

Happy day to you!