A Prayer for 2018

"no, no, it's not all random, if it really was all random, the universe would abandon us completely. and the universe doesn't. it takes care of its most fragile creations in ways we can't see. like with parents who adore you blindly. and a big sister who feels guilty for being human over you. and a little gravelly-voiced kid whose friends have left him over you. and even a pink-haired girl who carries your picture in her wallet. maybe it is a lottery, but the universe makes it all even out in the end. the universe takes care of all its birds.” 
― R.J. Palacio, Wonder

On New Year's Eve morning, we made pancakes. They were fluffy and sweet and filled with bananas. We topped them with syrup, cashew butter and blueberries. As we sipped our coffee and prepared to eat far too many of them, we decided to say a prayer for 2018. 

As we began, I realized how much was weighing on my heart for the year ahead. I found myself hurriedly praying through a long checklist of items: for our world to find a little more peace than it did in 2017. For our country to move in the right direction and our leaders to make wise decisions. For our planet to be well cared for. For baby Saxon to be healthy and keep growing into the human it is intended to be. For our jobs, and our lives in Virginia as a soon-to-be family of three. For our families, who are also in seasons of great transition. For our friends to have abundant, gentle years ahead. For the people we don't know, but whom we know are aching. 

I felt overwhelmed by all that was on my heart. I often wonder, in these moments, if there was more to pray for this year, or if I'm just paying closer attention. Am I naive to think 2017 was harder on the world than other years? 

It hit me, then, that 2017 had some incredibly painful parts to it, especially in world news. But, so did many other years. Not only the ones in my life, but also in the decades upon decades before me. 

In a way, this realization made me feel less overwhelmed. I was reminded that I am just one person in a huge world. My life is one small thing, alongside millions of other lives that, together, comprise humanity.

This is not to say that our lives and the things that happen to us don't matter - they most certainly do. But it helped me remember that there will always, always be years that are hard.

It is my prayer that they are followed - hopefully closely - by years that are more joyful. God takes care of his people in ways we do not understand and sometimes cannot immediately see. This Earth has never promised to be simple or easy. In its complexity, we must pray for one another, rely on one another and always, always remember that we are not alone.

For Those Who Feel Stuck at the Start of the Year

I love the new year. I love the fresh start, the way the world is motivated to make this one better than the last. I love the energy of it and the fact that you know, just as soon as winter is over, spring is coming. 

I love the way people set resolutions, goals and defining words with abandon. It may have not worked last year, but, by golly, it's going to work this time. 

But, similarly to a birthday, the turn of the year can also instill panic when we're not yet where we thought we'd be in life. Another year? I thought I'd be so much further along by now. Am I way behind? Is everyone else happier than me? 

image via

I've started new years this way, caught in an anxious spiral, swirling round and round, panicking at the way the life I thought I'd have compares to the one I really have. I've started years drowning in frustration, so many expectations placed upon myself that were still far out of reach. 

We hold in our hands big plans for our careers, our romantic relationships, our homes, our finances and our ovaries that sometimes feel impossibly far out of reach as the clock strikes midnight. It can lead to self-doubt and anxiety that doesn't deserve a place in our new year, our fresh start.

If I could, I'd go back and tell myself this during those seasons of anxiety:

Hang in there, girl. The tide is turning. You are not stuck.

Keep pouring into yourself, because self-care matters and you have come so far. You're doing great. You're creating a beautiful life with small steps that can be hard to see in the day-to-day.

Keep going, keep growing. I repeat: you are not stuck. Every day is a step toward your future. Good things are coming your way, you've just got to press on. Nothing - absolutely nothing - is wasted. The frustrations you feel? The heartache? The sadness? None of it will be wasted.

You can't see it yet, but you'll use that frustration to propel you forward, create more gratitude in your heart and help others along the way.

As for those dreams you have? They might not come true. But I can promise you your life will be better for it. You can't even begin to fathom the dreams that are coming your way. They're so much better than you have imagined. 

Keep making goals. Keep your hopes high, but your head higher. Know that you are strong, you are loved and you are worthy of great things that will be here before you know it.

I believe in you and I believe this year will be one of great things for you. 

Sending you love and solidarity. 

Here's to You, 2017

I spent the last few weeks trying to tie 2017 up with a bow. I wanted to make sense of the year - of its highs and lows and joys and sorrows. I wanted to define it by a word or give it an overall theme. I wanted to take control, bottle it up and make it digestible. 

But, even with all my reflecting, 2017 can't be simplified to a word. There was too much packed into it. There was our trip to Kenya, which was full of shockingly high highs and low lows. While we were there, we decided to move to Virginia, start a family and buy a house. These were beautiful, incredible decisions that also required us to say goodbye to dear friends and a city we loved. 

The second half of the year - the pregnant half - was marked by resting more, reducing my exercise and caring for my body in a new and focused way. It created a stark contrast to the first half of the year, when were were sweating bullets farming in Kenya and preparing for a Spartan Race in July. 

And for all of the excitement in our personal lives, there was so much heartache in the world. There were tragedies and frustrations that made it feel odd, on certain days, to celebrate the progress of our own little family. 

What I realized, though, as I attempted to define 2017, is that adult life is often so much more complex than I was allowing it to be.

The deepest, truest, most beautiful seasons of life can't be boiled down to a single word.

Anyone have a source?

They are abundant seasons of growth that stretch us, define us and give us life. They teach us to lean on those we love harder and stand a little stronger when they ask the same in return. They teach us we are brave and worthy and bold. They show us, without a doubt, that this world is vast and beautiful and we need, daily, to give the best we can to it. 

So, here's to you, 2017. In all your crazy beauty. I am thankful for you. As for you, 2018? I approach you with a grateful heart. Our hopes are high and our prayers are big. We believe in all you have to offer. 

Happy New Year, to you and yours. 

When Christmas Doesn't Feel Perfect

My freshman year of college, I was a mess over Christmas break. After spending all of high school at home with my brothers, we'd become three peas in a pod. We'd learned to rely on each other in real, tangible ways, each of us bringing something different to the trio. 

When I came home in December, it seemed like they had become a twosome and I'd lost my spot. This wasn't the case, of course. But things had changed because they had to - they couldn't just mope around without me. Suddenly, they both had serious girlfriends and social lives I wasn't a part of anymore. Everything felt different. 

I was angsty at the start of break until, one day, my sister, Ashley and I were standing in a closet, looking for a board game. I burst into tears, telling her that everything just felt so wrong. Nothing is the same anymore! I cried. The boys don't even need me. 

I could blame this story on teenage hormones or tough college transitions, or whatever makes you comfortable. But, the truth is, for a lot of people, this is how Christmas feels every year.

You have high expectations and big dreams of what your relationships will look like. You picture your family laughing over an appropriate glass of wine, singing Christmas carols and giving each other perfect gifts. You won't even talk about politics or religion and no one will make an inappropriate joke, either. You'll reminisce about the holidays when you were younger - remember when all you wanted was a Tamagotchi?

For some of us, it might look that way. But for others, reality will fall short of what we envision. The season stirs up so many memories - the feelings of nostalgia, missing loved ones and loneliness are often exasperated - leaving us tearful and anxious. 

This is not because we are broken, or getting things wrong, but, instead, because the world has created unrealistic expectations around what the holiday season should look like. Between social media, holiday advertising and our naturally glorified childhood memories, it can be easy to feel like adult Christmas just doesn't compare. 

If you're feeling this way as you approach the next few days, I just wanted to tell you that nothing is wrong with you. You are normal. Remember to give yourself permission to feel sad if you need to, set healthy boundaries and practice self-care.

And, if you're able, let the goodness of the season wash over you, knowing that Christmas joy is a glimpse into the eternal joy that is to come. 

I recently found this list of 7 Things Every Kid Needs to Hear and my first thought was that every adult also needs to hear them, too. If it doesn't feel too vulnerable, perhaps these would be perfect things for us to remember to say throughout the holiday season, too:

7 Things Every Kid Needs To Hear
1. I love you
2. I’m proud of you
3. I’m sorry
4. I forgive you
5. I’m listening
6. This is your responsibility
7. You’ve got what it takes

– Josh Shipp

Merry Christmas, dear readers. I believe in the joy, the life and the hope of this season. Hold fast to what you know to be true. Love your loved ones hard. And know that, without a doubt, you've got what it takes.