Single, Childless and No Dream Job to Show for It

A few months ago, I was talking to an older man about getting married and starting a family. I mentioned that I hope to someday have a little brood - lots of babes running around, because that's how I grew up and loved it so much. 

How old are you? He asked without missing a beat. 

29, I told him, thinking, oh boy, here we go.

Well. You better get started! You don't have much time, he told me quickly, casually before walking away.

I laughed and agreed, but wanted to say: Really?? That is brand new information! 

He meant no harm - in fact, he probably thought he was helping me out. Giving me a little tip about the ole ovaries, in case I missed that class in biology.

But, what I felt, deep down, was shame. I felt like he'd taken the glass of cold water in his hand and dumped it on my head. He thought he was helping me cool off, when, in actuality, he made me feel like I'd been part of a drive-by shaming, leaving me soaked and speechless.  

And this happens all of the time to women. It's the casual remarks, most often:
Have you thought about online dating?
You can meet your husband anywhere, you know.
A baby looks good on you!
Better get started; you don't have much time!
Why haven't you found a husband yet?
Maybe you're just too picky. 

A therapist once told me that the most shaming question we can ask someone is: What's new? Because it sends people into a spiral, trying to come up with something, anything new they could share. When, in reality, a lot of us are thinking:

Well, still single. No kids. Same job. Same apartment. Nope, no pets. Nope, no promotion.

At the heart of it, no one is trying to tell you that you aren't enough as you are. But, the problem is that we're already primed for these messages to land. The world sends us constant reminders to get better, do better and be better:

Get prettier with more makeup
Get skinnier with more exercise
Be more productive with this service
Be more lovable with this app
Be more likeable with this purse
Be smaller, be more productive, be busier, be happier...

These daily messages create the perfect runway for small, meaningless comments to land perfectly, leaving us wondering if the world was right to send those messages after all. Leaving us wondering if maybe we aren't good enough as we are.

I can't help but wonder what would happen if we just stopped buying into it. If I'd replied to that man: Oh yes sir, that is probably true. But I'm doing my best and that's all I can do today. If we stopped buying into the idea of scarcity. If we believed that neither a baby nor husband nor dream job can make us more lovable. If we believed we are enough and we do enough. Because, our worth is undeniably in the fact that we were designed to exist. Our lives matter regardless of what we do or achieve. Our lives matter because we are children of God and, in that identity, we are enough. 

the freedom that comes when we stop comparing

It's Sunday night and the lights are low. The drummer beats steadily and the guitarist strums along while people around me sing. Their hands are up and their hands are by their sides. Some of them are clapping, some are crying. Still others are sitting, praying. The guy next to me is standing barefoot, coffee in hand. I sing quietly and watch, taking each person in. The twinkle lights outside dance in the breeze, shining little bright spots upon us. 

This is our church. There are quiet worshippers and outgoing worshippers and there is everything in between. There is rocking, swaying and clapping. There is sitting, standing, jumping. There are hands up in the air and hands on hearts and hands being held. Everything goes when Housefires sings on Sunday nights. 

When I first started attending our church, I felt kind of nervous during worship.

At that point in my life, I'd always been a quiet worshipper - a stand and swing and sway type of girl. My friend Megan, who grew up in our church, said it best one night when she reminded me that, just because some people want to put their hands in the air and shout doesn't mean we all have to.

We don't all have to be the same or feel pressured to do it a certain way. Just because it's how some people connect with the Lord doesn't mean it's how I do.

I thought about it this week as I held out my own hands, more comfortable these days with a little bit more expression. I thought about how Megan's thinking is something we should apply to our lives more broadly.

When I stopped worrying about what the people around me were doing, my own experience became so much better. When I stopped looking around, comparing, wondering if I should be doing this or that, the entire process got a lot sweeter. I found freedom in it.

And this is life. When we stop looking at what others are doing and, instead, go where we're called, live how we feel led and let go of comparison, we find more joy. More sweetness. More freedom. We are awakened.

For some of us, that means living with our hands up and open. For others, it means sitting quietly in prayer. For some of us, it means we're probably barefoot.  For all of us, it means a life of more freedom and more joy. It means letting go of comparison and living wholly and fully in the life that was designed for us.